And this is your future husband...

Leyla explains how she feels when her parents have betrothed her to a man she does not know

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By Tiina Keränen
     
      When 25-year-old Leyla heard from her mother that she had been betrothed to a man living in the family's former country, she burst into tears. Leyla had never even seen her future husband. The little girl whom Leyla had been looking after, another relative, burst into tears along with her.
      "But you can't, you mustn't get married and go away", the girl cried.
     
Leyla tells her story at her workplace, after the working day has finished. She has just an hour to talk, before her parents start to call and ask what's keeping her.
      "At first the idea of marriage felt awful. I have just graduated and started work in a new place, I've lived here in Finland for several years, and I know the language", she says.
      Leyla was 13 years old when the family moved to Finland from Pakistan, where they had fled from the dictatorship that ruled the country they called home. The family got to Finland with refugee status.
      Leyla is a sweet young woman, whom one would not expect to be short of prospective suitors, even in Finland.
     
But she has never had a boyfriend. She's never even been in love with anyone. She cannot get to meet any men, because she still lives at home, and her parents and siblings keep a close eye on her comings and goings.
      Leyla's Islamic family is, in her view, "relatively liberal". The girls have been permitted to get an education and to seek a career. But the children's future spouses are determined by the parents, in accordance with tradition.
      "In our culture, it is the role of children to honour and obey their parents. The girls are subject to even stricter discipline than the boys. I feel it is wrong. But that is the way of the world", shrugs Leyla.
      Leyla admits that from time to time she has rebellious thoughts towards the parental rule.
      "It comes out in little things, like for instance I'd be watching TV, and some song comes on that I'd like to hear loud, but I know my parents don't like it. And so I don't turn the TV volume up."
     
Leyla has female friends that she can meet in cafés. At school and at work she has had male friends, but Leyla does not go out after work to have a drink. She says that she does not even want to go to bars or to drink alcohol.
      "I don't really envy the freedom my Finnish girlfriends have. To my way of thinking, girls here are almost too free. Many parents don't seem to care much about their children."
      Although some things in Leyla's culture strike her as unfair, she feels she must submit to them because Islam carries with it a strong faith in destiny - kismet.
      "We believe that when a child is born, everything has already been determined for him or for her."
      Leyla says that her mother has received numerous offers from the families of potential husband candidates, but that none of them felt suitable. "Then this offer came from the family of this man, and my mother thought it seemed good. In other words the man has apparently been intended for me."
     
Leyla got to hear about her future husband a couple of weeks ago. She has got over the initial shock and has seen a photograph of the man. He is young and handsome, and he has a proper profession, although his family is of a lower social class than Leyla's own family.
      "The man has called me a couple of times and sent me SMS messages. On the basis of these contacts he seems like a good-hearted person. I believe that I could come to love him", reflects Leyla.
      "I don't know anything about his likes or his hobbies, and he did not ask me what I am interested in. He told me he used to know one of my brothers. He liked my brother, and believes that I am like him."
     
And what if the man had left an unfavourable impression on you?
      "Then I would just have to live with it and come to terms with it. In our culture people do not get divorced. If a couple has problems, both families try to find a way to resolve the difficulties."
      It looks as though Leyla's future husband could move to Finland. But if he is not happy here, then Leyla is prepared to follow him, if necessary back to her former home country.
      Leyla wanted to tell her story, although she knows that her family and her community will be angry if they learn what she has done.
      "It seems to me that many Finns do not realise how different is the culture we live in. Finnish girls should be grateful for the freedoms they enjoy."
     
Helsingin Sanomat / First published in print in the Nytweekly supplement, 21.10.2005

More on this subject:
 Forced marriages in Finland

Helsingin Sanomat