COMMENTARY: A very Finnish Principality on Highway 7

By Ilpo Mattila
     
      I guess the Russians will sooner or later sort out those tailbacks of eastbound trucks at the border, won't they?
      Not to worry, anyhow. I mean, I know the queues are on the Finnish side of the border, but it's all grist to the mill: it will all make work for the earthmoving branch when we asphalt over the fields out east and turn them into a giant parking lot for the stranded trucks and the semis.
     
And we'll need gravel and cloth and stuff underneath to keep the various soil strata apart. We'll have to make a good job of the water insulation, too. What about the run-off? I suppose we couldn't really just ditch it all and let it run into the Gulf of Finland now? Maybe not.
      What about the other emissions? I guess we'll have to collect all the exhaust gases into one big tank and direct them somewhere for scrubbing and whathaveyou.
      Do you reckon we might be able to use the heat for secondary heating of housing? Certainly we could run it back so that we could heat the shops and things directly off the truck diesels.
      Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention - we'll have to have shops and a café for the truckers. A spa, too, would be good, or maybe an indoor swimming pool, because those Russians they do rather like soaking themselves and loafing about at the edge of the pool. We've seen that in all the ski-resorts already.
     
At the gates of the proposed truck parking lot on Highway 7 there could be one of those alcometer thingies, so that you could only drive out if you were sober.
      We could pipe in vodka directly from the neighbours and sell it at rock-bottom prices.
      And if we get working girls coming in, then we could build cubicles for them and charge a bit of ground-rent. Makes more sense than just letting them do it in the cab, now doesn't it?
     
The truck park would be one of those tax-free areas. We'd have to make sure we get the word "Zone" in there somewhere - it has to be a "Free Zone".
      Then we'd get businesses coming in, and why not allow a few one-armed bandits set up next to the circus tent? And in the summer there could be a fountain, and some nice flower beds.
     
And if the lines of trucks keep on growing, well, we can upgrade and build a real casino on the site.
      I'm not sure whether we'd need to adhere to Finnish building code on this or whether we could get by with something a bit less stuffy and rigid. We'd have to think about that one. Anyway, it would probably be an idea to install a geothermal heat pump and decent insulation and get the ventilation systems built properly.
      Then of course we'd need to arrange the same health and social services for the tax-free truck parking zone as there are in other Finnish communities in general.
      But we needn't worry ourselves about that at the outset. To begin with they could go and get those things done in Kotka or in Kouvola.
     
We'd need to have a wide perimeter road going all around the truck park, naturally.
      And it wouldn't be that difficult then to set up a race track on it. Could we even consider the idea of a Formula One circuit, do you think?
      It's a thought, but don't go mentioning it to Bernie Ecclestone or Keke Rosberg, as they'd only go and pinch the whole idea and do it themselves.
      We could get that MEP Ari Vatanen to come and do a test drive in one of his old World Rally Championship cars. And Ari speaks French, too - we could get him to put in a good word for us with the EU boys so that we'd get permission from Brussels to set the zone up.
      We'd have to have permission, no doubt about that. And we'd have to elect a Prince to run the place, too.
      And then we could call it Mönäcö. Yes, I like the sound of it.
     
Helsingin Sanomat / First published in print 6.10.2007


Previously in HS International Edition:
  Customs consider closing border to curb lorry queue (27.9.2007)
  Backlog of trucks causes congestion at Nuijamaa and Imatra border-crossing points as well as Vaalimaa (24.9.2007)
  Transport Ministry to examine road use fees for lorries on route to Russian border (7.8.2007)
  Parking area for eastbound trucks to cost over EUR 24 million (27.3.2007)
  Large parking areas proposed for eastbound trucks on Russian border (12.12.2006)
  Minister Huovinen: Lines of trucks caused by inefficiency of Russian Customs (10.11.2006)
  Expansion of green line to ease backlogs at Russian border (2.10.2007)
  Halonen and Putin discuss border lorry queues at Moscow meeting (1.10.2007)