PERSONALLY... Talking about penises

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By Saska Snellman
     
      Apparently it is quite easy to talk about death. Easy at least when one compares it with talking about the penis.
      Basically the only media outlet that has maintained a topical penis discussion has been the commercial TV-channel Nelonen, whose earlier documentary “The World’s Biggest Penis” (bought from from Channel 4 in the UK) still turns my stomach in a knot.
      The show had images of men who were proudly showing off their silicone-enhanced testicles, each roughly the size of a basketball.
     
Nelonen’s 4D documentaries have never been much of a watchword in quality viewing, so I’ll admit that my expectations were pretty shrivelled when I sat down on Tuesday to look at a programme described in Finnish as Maailman pienimmät penikset (“The World’s Smallest Penises”).
      I was taken completely by surprise.
      The programme did not present us with a string of American freak-show candidates, but a small, genial, chubby-faced Englishman by the name of Lawrence Barraclough, who wanted to discuss penis issues with other men.
      It was not an easy sell for him.
     
Barraclough tried to challenge men to talk about their appendage in the pub, in the park, and on the football touchline, but the result was merely a bunch of bewlidered grins.
      Er, I’m a bit busy right now! In a hurry, mate. Sorry.
      Eventually Lawrence got the idea of setting up an Internet site for people anonymously to send in images of their penis.
      He advertised the site, endearingly entitled snapyourchap.com, on YouTube, and he got back hundreds of photographs of flaccid penises (erect ones were not acceptable), 101 of which he then compiled into an exhibition at a London gallery.
     
He generously bribed members of the public to look at the public members by buying them beers in a nearby pub.
      After their initial discombobulation, the men started eagerly comparing the penis photos, and the bravest of them actually photographed their own little chaps and hung the pictures on the wall.
      The men were clearly quite relieved to see that the male organ comes in all shapes and sizes.
     
Here in Finland, there is no big deal about seeing another man’s penis - it happens all the time in the sauna as a matter of course.
      But talking about the subject is quite as difficult for us as it apparently was for the British subjects in the documentary.
      Hence it was a shame that Barraclough’s clever and amusing film should have been peddled to the Finnish audience under such a misleading title.
      The original name of the BBC3 documentary - "My Penis and Everyone Else’s" - harks back to an earlier work from 2005 called "My Penis and I", in which Lawrence unburdens himself on camera about his own hang-ups about not being hung: as he tells us, his penis is 9cm long when erect.
     
In the old old days, statues and towers were erected to the penis, and women were not thought to have any other sexual feelings except perhaps a severe case of penis-envy.
      Nowadays women boast openly about their G-spot and compare the merits of the latest dildos on television, but men just make lame jokes and wriggle awkwardly.
      It really isn’t fair.
     
But there is absolutely no sense in your asking me to go further into this matter in print or on a chat-show on the small screen.
      A bit busy right now, you see.
     
Helsingin Sanomat / First published in print 19.1.2008


Links:
  Lawrence Barraclough and My Penis and Everyone Else´s
  Lawrence Barraclough on YouTube

SASKA SAARIKOSKI / Helsingin Sanomat
saska.saarikoski@hs.fi