The Mighty Quinn: investment tips from a wrestling champ - or not

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By Jaakko Kangasluoma
     
      Dear Mr. Quinn Tolbert,
     
      Many thanks for your e-mail, in which you kindly offer me an investment opportunity.
      I am sorry that I have been so slow in replying. I have received so much junk mail recently that many genuine offers like your own have been buried in the pile of spam.
     
Mr. Tolbert. I do not know you, but you quite obviously know me.
      I am impressed by the background research you have carried out. How on earth did you discover that Latin America is my very favourite region for investment?
      I was truly astonished to note that you are urging me to invest in the Ecuadorian mining sector.
      When I regularly ponder how to invest the few tens of euros that I have left over from my salary once every five months or so, the very first place I turn my gaze is on the precious metals sector in Ecuador's Bolívar Province.
     
Mr. Tolbert. Since you have undertaken to familiarise yourself with my background, I took the liberty of checking yours.
      If I am to believe the answers received in terms of Google hits, you are a 26-year-old African-American from Summerville, South Carolina, enrolled at Newberry College. Congratulations, by the way, on gaining All-American status at the NCAA Division II National Wrestling Championships last year.
      I learnt that your favourite food is chicken and that your favourite movie is Joel Schumacher's A Time to Kill, the courtroom drama based on John Grisham's novel about race tensions in the Deep South.
      I am deeply impressed. There cannot be many education major students in their mid-20s who can become All-American and placed 7th in the wrestling rankings, and at the same time analyse so perceptively the investment prospects of the South American mining industry.
      When I then noticed that you had wrestled for two years under the guidance of the legendary coach Rex Branum, I knew for sure that I wanted to work with you.
     
Your mail offers me a 500 per cent return on my investment. This sounds good, but I cannot resist throwing in a little story of my own.
      Earlier this week, I invested one euro on the fruit machine by the door of the R-Kiosk in Helsinki's beautiful suburb of Meilahti, and I walked out with 44 units of the European common currency jingling in my pocket. The return on my investment was thus 4,300 per cent.
      It's alright, I know what you are going to say. Save your breath. I'm quite aware that the yield from one-armed bandits is volatile and the downstream investment of profits is a laborious business. And this is why I am approaching you now.
     
In your message you reveal - presumably exclusively for my benefit - that "Huge events are driving HXPN way up". Excellent news!
      I cannot claim to be an expert on Harris Exploration (HXPN), but it is quite enough for me to know that "huge events" are propelling it upwards and that my money will be along for the ride.
      At the end of your missive, you remind me, almost in passing, that there is a "limited supply and huge demand for precious medals" [sic], and I must assume this will positively affect the prospects for HXPN.
      If this is so, I should like to hasten my participation in this venture. I have thought that I would start with a stake of EUR 30.00.
      Your message leaves it rather unclear exactly how I am to acquire a piece of the HXPN action. Can I get it from my local bank, or should I direct the money straight to you? What is your account number?
     
I must apologise for my amateurish approach. I belong to the mobile phone generation, in other words to that Finnish age-group which never got around to buying a share in the local telephone company and I am thus hopelessly unaware of the mysteries of securities investment.
      I would therefore be grateful if you could shed some light on a few of these practical details.
     
In closing, I might have a small hint for you, Mr. Tolbert. I recommend that you get yourself a new e-mail address, since shuttlecockedgameness's@aall.com may frighten off more prudish investors.
      Looking forward to working together,
     
      Jaakko Kangasluoma
     
Helsingin Sanomat / First published in print 13.1.2007


Links:
  The REAL Quinn Tolbert (who sent the mail is another matter)
  Harris Exploration (HXPN) at Pinksheets.com

Helsingin Sanomat