The mysteries of divorce, Finnish style
By Asta Leppä
During your marriage you were, at least in the beginning, extremely happy. Then came the separation, and after that, only the others looked happy: couples in sport outfits Nordic walking in step on the sidewalk, young couples at the supermarket pushing their babies in their prams, and senior citizens announcing their diamond anniversaries in the newspaper.
However, in Finland the average duration of a marriage is just eleven years - the steel anniversary according to the old tradition. In Helsinki it is seven years - the wool anniversary.
In European divorce statistics, Finland is among the top ten. Slightly over half of all marriages in Finland end up in divorce in spite of the fact that the popularity of marriage itself has risen slightly, and in spite of the fact that more babies are being born in Finland than has been the case for several years, and even though the average sum of money spent on weddings is more than EUR 5,000.
Separation figures are much higher for couples who cohabit without being married. One third of Finnish couples live together without being married, and half of all first children are born under such conditions.
Fortunately everyone knows why this is the case: “People nowadays separate too easily.
Only those who are divorced do not understand this.
“My divorce process began early one morning when, after a sleepless night I began to cry, and there was no end to it. I went on sick leave. For many years I had been responsible for dealing with everyday concerns with my small children. If and when my husband took part, he complained, and guilt-tripped me. He made me feel that we were obstacles to his happiness. Our lives at home was nothing but sulking and conflict. One autumn evening in the sauna I realised that I still had another 40 years left in my life. Did I want to spend them with this kind of a partner?”
Woman, age 42, married 11 years.
Why do so many marriages end in divorce? One explanation that always comes up when talking about divorces is the alleged selfishness of people nowadays.
Alan Booth, Professor of Sociology and Demographics at the University of Pennsylvania studied more than 4,000 American married couples over 20 years. Similarities were found among people who split up casually, sometime several times in a row.
Booth says that these kinds of people were distant, not eager to meet their relatives, moving from one rental house or apartment to another, have no religious affiliation, and rarely thought about their children. They would take risks in their lives, and at the moment of separation, they often had a new sweetheart ready.
Such people could easily be called selfish, but on the other hand, they could also be seen as modern and typically urban.
In cities, the choice of partners is great, points out Anna Rotkirch of the Finnish Family Federation.
“On the streets there is a constant flow of attractive partner candidates walking past. People have the tendency to compare themselves upward and to put out feelers for better fishing waters.”
“A hundred years ago a person might have had ten possible partners of marrying age. You had to take what you could get. When bicycles became more common, spouses might be found at a significantly longer distance. And now airplanes and the internet are available.”
A freer market has been established for the formation of couples as well. For monogamy to work, the control mechanisms within people should have tightened up: the more temptations, the stricter the moral standards.
However, it is not easy. Cities do not have the social control mechanisms of a country village.
Often relations even with one’s own parents are distant, at least before the next generation of children start coming. In addition, many of the parents were divorced already in the 1970s - something that is described in Eropaperit (“Divorce Papers”), a fresh book by Laura Honkasalo, which has sparked public debate over divorce throughout the autumn. Studies have shown that the children of parents who have undergone a divorce tend to split up more easily themselves. Many psychologists feel that the reason for this is that they have not experienced the model of a functioning couple relationship.
Pressure to maintain a relationship needs to be pumped one’s self. People might buy an expensive apartment, and take out a massive loan to pay for it. Studies show that this actually can help maintain a marriage.
And strangely enough, if a couple has lived together before getting married, it seems to slightly increase the likelihood of a divorce. American researchers have said that the reason for this could be that the decision to move in together was not thoroughly thought out in the first place.
However, in Finland, this could partly be a statistical illusion, because in this country, getting married before moving in together is the exception, and not the rule. Long-term relationships, when people have married quickly, are from a time when premarital cohabitation was seriously frowned upon.
Sometimes if seems that pressures are heaped on by organising ostentatious weddings. The fancier the celebration, the more embarrassing it is to split up after a year or two. However, statistically, it is in those first two years that marriages are most at risk.
Many couples do not marry until they are getting children, possibly after a long courtship. The crying of a baby, night feedings, and everyday routines eat away at a relationship. Satisfaction with the relationship collapses when the children are small.
But if a relationship survives the dangerous years, things get safer. The more children a couple has, the less likely they are to ultimately split up.
Today’s lovers find it hard to adapt to everyday life, it is claimed.
In some marriages, this does seem to be the case, says Jouko Kiiski of the University of Joensuu. Kiiski, who has worked as the director of a family counselling centre of the Finnish Evangelical-Lutheran Church, and as a family therapist, is preparing a second doctoral thesis. His newest one is about how men and their ex-wives have experienced their divorces.
“At the beginning of a relationship, people appreciate their spouses, and share their goals and dreams. When the split comes, these hopes might even appear opposites to one another. One might conclude from this that perhaps it is a case of illusions that have shattered along the way. A confrontation with everyday life has happened.”
Often this everyday life means work. Running after money is seen to be the root of all evil, but what is the alternative? With a massive loan, one needs to work hard to pay it off, and when both partners do it, there is little time to enjoy the moments of sharing.
It is worst when stress comes up in the bedroom. According to a study published last year by Professor Osmo Kontula, Finnish married life is anything but the images seen on television. Sexual intercourse takes place about once a week, and the frequency has declined in the present decade among the 25-40 age group. Women can have trouble reaching orgasm after just a few years of marriage.
After ten years of marriage, the differences in sexual desire between husbands and wives are at their highest. Total consumption of sex has not declined - rushed people who do not meet each other masturbate to fulfil their needs.
“I apparently had a crisis brought on by turning 30. It seemed that life was passing me by, but I didn’t want a family. I was unfaithful. It eroded trust between us, and even though I thought that the matter had been dealt with, it stayed and haunted me. One evening we were each separately spending an evening at a bar with our respective friends. When I sent a text message to my wife to ask if we might take the same taxi home. She didn’t answer. I went to sleep in an empty house. My wife came home in the morning and moved out in the afternoon. Now she is a happy mother.”
Man, age 42, married 15 years
Another important factor relates to work - specifically to women going to work, which has much to do with gender equality issues.
“It is clear that women going to work, and being economically independent of men lowers the threshold to getting divorced”, Anna Rotkirch says. In other words, people do not stick to bad marriages simply because they are economically dependent on the partner’s money.
“As a legacy of an agrarian society, we have the habit of leaving home fairly early. Both men and women learn to stand on their own feet before marrying. They get an education, and seek employment.”
“At the same time, some of them delay marriage, and no partner is ever found. We have always had many single parents and people who live without being married, and in that respect, a very diverse, and relatively permissive family culture.”
According to a doctoral study by sociologist Marika Jalovaara, a high level of education and a good income can also strengthen a marriage, as long as the wife does not earn too much. Women’s progress in education and on the labour market erodes traditional gender roles, and is also reflected in the relationship.
According to Jalovaara’s study, divorces were also increased by wives earning more money than husbands. In that whey they would usurp the throne that had previously been held by the head of the household, and perhaps it was not just a question of wounded male pride - the woman might come to the idea that she should actually be getting a rich husband.
A woman will often not want to be both the breadwinner and the nurturer in the family.
Young couples tend to describe their relationships as being based on equality, with a fair division of the housework. However, this feeling of equality has to be illusory; as soon as a child is born, the roles go back to the setup familiar from family movies of the 1950s.
It is nearly always the mother who takes parental leave. According to a parental leave study by the National Research and Development Centre for Welfare and Health (STAKES), the mother would also deal with the family laundry (in 85 per cent of cases), cooking (about 75 per cent) and dealing with the child’s wardrobe (89 per cent). The fathers of small children, for their part, work outside the home twice as often, and take care of small household repairs, such as changing light bulbs (88 per cent).
With childless young couples, equal sharing of work might have boiled down to a situation in which neither one did any cleaning.
According to the family barometer study by the Finnish Family Federation, housework has become an increasingly frequent source of conflict in marriages of the 21st century. The arguments reflect the state of flux that gender roles are in, with women doing housework grudgingly, because “someone has to do it”. Men, meanwhile, know that they should participate, but why bother, because “the wife does it better”.
The same happens with child care. Mothers themselves want the role of being the primary caregiver, which they also try to shake off - as is the case with fathers who work overtime.
Conflicting role expectations create an atmosphere of dissatisfaction and bitterness. Women are supposed to be superwomen and gentle mothers, while a the men are supposed to be gentle spouses and strong lovers. Consequently, nothing that the spouse does is completely satisfactory.
The greatest pressures for change appear to focus on the man. According to the doctoral study by Nina Halme, 38 per cent of fathers of toddlers are at risk in their consumption of alcohol, and 15 per cent drink themselves to the point of intoxication on a weekly basis. Nearly half are dissatisfied with their relationship, and have considered divorce.
“We divorced after a crisis involving childlessness. I had several miscarriages, and treatment was ineffective. It was a difficult process, which lasted a total of three years. The worst moment was when I was already three months pregnant and got a sudden bleed. After getting out of hospital I was not myself I was bitter toward life, and my husband was not able to give me support. We started to be mean toward each other. We both drank heavily. In fact, I think that the divorce was a salvation for both of us.”
Woman, age 39, nine years of marriage
One intriguing interpretation is offered by Markus Jokela, a researcher at the Institute of Psychology at the University of Helsinki. He says that genetic explanations also exist for behaviour in divorces.
“According to studies, about 30-40 per cent of the risk for divorce stems from hereditary factors”, Jokela says.
“Naturally, there are no specific divorce genes. What we are talking about is a group of hereditary biological factors and personality characteristics. One of the most important of these is a person’s tendency to see the world as negative, and to hear only negation - such as criticism from the other person.”
“Other personality characteristics affecting divorce include things such as impulsive behaviour and a propensity toward alcoholism. Biological factors worth mentioning include a high level of testosterone, for instance.”
A study by Dutch sociologist Matthijs Kalmijn examines the connection that various societal variables have with divorce figures, but especially one of these is could well be added to Jokela’s list: high suicide rates would seem to go hand in hand with high divorce rates in certain countries.
All of the factors mentioned - pessimism, Weltschmerz, unpredictable behaviour, alcoholism, and suicide as a solution to problems - would seem to fit our view of the national character. Would divorce then be anything other than the way things are done in Finland, and something inherently Finnish?
Jokela rejects this kind of logic out of hand: factors affecting society, and those affecting individuals should not be equated with one another. Besides, contrary to popular belief, many studies suggest that Finland is not a land where depression predominates. On the contrary, we are quite happy people.
Nevertheless, Finland is a leading country in divorce statistics, and in suicides. So where is the connection, or is there one?
“Alcohol undoubtedly has a role in many divorces, and it is traditionally consumed heavily in Finland. However, there are no comparative studies on this between different countries”, Jokela says.
Jokela feels that when considering the frequency of divorces, it is a good idea to look society in the eye. What kind of a country is the Finland where people get divorced? It is a developed urban consumer society, where the Church, which sanctifies marriages, has mainly a ceremonial role.
Our Protestant church takes quite a tolerant attitude toward divorce, confirms Jouko Kiiski, who holds a doctorate in theology.
“Even ministers and bishops get divorced. As divorces become more commonplace, part of the reason is that the surrounding community no longer takes as negative a view toward divorce as it used to.
“My wife had her first child as a teenager. At the same time she studied for her vocation and began to work in nursing. Soon after that we met each other, got married, and had a child. My wife was a young person who had missed her youth. Then she suddenly started living it up. I was left home with the kids, when my wife, wearing makeup and her hair done up, went to the disco. I couldn’t cope being the sole caregiver for three children.”
Man, age 47, married seven years
Opportunity makes the thief, in a manner of speaking. In 1988, when the “guilt clause” was taken out of Finnish divorce legislation, and it was no longer necessary to name a guilty party, divorce statistics shot up. Statistics put the divorce rate in Finland at between 44 and 49 per 100 marriages.
People have a tendency to interpret their successes and failures in life on the basis of their own situations. For instance, in the tiny country of Malta, where divorce remains illegal, couples claim to be more satisfied in their marriages than elsewhere in Europe. Similarly, in the 1970s, Finnish wives took a more “open-minded” view of their husbands’ dalliances than they do now. At that time, a larger proportion of women were housewives, and many husbands had relationships on the side.
Now that wives are no longer economically dependent on their husbands, their attitudes toward infidelity have become more negative. Men have also started to keep an eye on their husbands. An attitude of one strike and you’re out prevails.
In Osmo Kontula’s study this came out as a principle according to which sexual exclusivity was even more important in a relationship than love itself.
This kind of thinking also suggests that responsibility for sustaining a relationship lies with the couple itself. The community accepts divorce, even if people might gossip about it and feel sorry for the children.
The most frustrating aspect of the situation is that even if the couple might want to try and make it work, the possibilities for getting help in the acute phase of the crisis are often nonexistent. Priority in municipal family counselling is with couples with a child showing symptoms.
In Helsinki, where there are three special groups for couples, and family therapy, it is possible to get into counselling in just over a month, and childless couples cannot get in at all. Family counselling organised by the Finnish Lutheran Church is so overburdened that only one in four applicants are accepted. Private couples therapy is expensive.
Most couples do not even try to get outside help. People themselves often think that divorce is just a “private matter”, which is not to be discussed with others. Nevertheless, divorces ravage the lives of more than 25,000 adults and about 25,000 children and young people in an irreversible manner. It is somewhat strange to feel that it is not a problem that society should offer to help with.
To top it all off, divorces are more acrimonious than ever. According to the National Research Institute of Legal Policy, child custody disputes have tripled in te past 15 years.
It seems surprising in light of tabloid headlines, where some celebrity is always talking about how his or her split-up was “amicable”.
“We had three children, each of them two years apart, and we started to build a house, when we were expecting our youngest. We were so tired and stressed that we started to argue as soon as we go tour eyes open. The nagging continued until we fell asleep. One evening my ex-husband slapped me in the face with his open hand. He didn’t apologise, saying it was an accident. That was my limit. The argument itself was completely trivial. It was about a child’s ear thermometer.”
Woman, age 39, married six years
Finally, researcher Anna Rotkirch takes up an important point: talk about divorce, how “easy they are to get”, or how there are “too many divorces”, contains a moral statement.
“The alternative to a divorce is often a return to a stale marriage”, Rotkirch notes.
“There are plenty of them among couples of the older generation. A stale marriage does not mean that people would not be able to cope with everyday life, but rather that the relationship is somehow dead in its tracks. People will not argue, as much as pick at each other. The thoughts of the partner are no longer interesting. Sex is sporadic and joyless.”
Rotkirch says that in a way, divorce can be seen as a measure of gender equality.
“Women apply for divorce more often than men do. A man is the sole applicant in only one in six divorces, and women’s expectations for a marriage are also more loaded than they used to be.”
So for the first time in history a large proportion of women dare expect quality from their marriage, and perhaps that has some kind of value, that people now have permission to admit that they have made a mistake, or that they have failed at something.
If there is some comfort to offer, then it might be in that most of the men and women responding to Jouko Kiiski’s survey have said that they recovered well, or extremely well from their divorce.
A fifth of marriages sealed each year are new marriages of people who have been divorced.
But there is one group who are bucking the trend. In our liberal society, there is a group of staunchly conservative people who feel that divorces should not be granted except for very weighty reasons.
They are children.
Helsingin Sanomat / First published in print 15.11.2009
Helsingin Sanomat
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| 17.11.2009 - THIS WEEK |
 The mysteries of divorce, Finnish style |
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